Taking the edge off

So much seriousness going on in the world today...

32 people are shot at Virginia Tech.
The Yankees are mired in a nasty losing streak and here comes Boston.
Democratic presidential debates.
Barry Bonds is approaching the career HR record.

I thought I'd lighten up the mood on a Friday, here are my thoughts on things:

Fabric Softener
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Morning Differences
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Phone-In-Polls
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

Answering Machines
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? Don't you just want to RUIN THEIR DAY?!
"Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'"
Beep.
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."

Grandmas
I saw this old lady driving who had a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. *SHUDDER* You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Lastly, I finally figured out why I'm so tired and overworked every day...

The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are, sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.